Keeping in mind that I am speaking for myself and these are my opinions and feelings.
It is so easy in the beginning of a relationship with an animal. It’s fun! There is the excitement of showing them their new home which we are so proud of and buying them all the trimmings (new blanket, new bridle, and new toys).
What is more amazing however; is that we also can be so present during that inevitable time (or even if only the fear of it). The pain felt is excruciating for sure but as long as we don’t hide from it and mask that pain with food, drink, smoke, shopping, isolation and the countless other methods we can invent, there is such peace knowing we gave back what was given to us freely. Unconditional love by our animals.
I myself experienced this process this year though this is not the first time I have lost a beloved companion.
Several years ago a call came to our farm from a woman we knew that had an Andalusian Thoroughbred cross. I happened to be the one who picked up the phone. During my conversation, the woman said to me that she was not able to financially keep Primoroso XII (Miguel) and would only consider placing him with certain people. She chose our farm as one of those “people”. Looking back now, I feel so honored. When I asked how much she wanted to sell Miguel for, she said “how can I put a price on my friend?” My heart broke but I asked again as kindly as possible. We settled on a number and that day my mother and I went and picked up Miguel to bring him home (took an hour in the cold to get him on the dang trailer).
What ensued for me was years of me pushing and pulling in and away from horses. The Universe however; saw fit that Miguel and I would remain together. There are many happy and frustrating memories that I have. He was a very scared boy when he first came to the farm. Everything scared Miguel. I learned patience, persistence, compassion, to be easy going all from my boy (cry).
That day came for me this year. That painful time. Miguel was a gray and prone to cancer however; usually they say they die with and not from cancer. We were not that fortunate my “little guy” and I (cry). Within a week of my wonderful mom (whose care for Miguel was amazing) noticing him having difficulty, the day came when I had to make a decision. I will spare you the long, painful feelings that I dealt with. If you have had an animal, you know.
I will forever be thankful to the Universe for not allowing me to separate from Miguel. I am forever thankful to Miguel for making me a better person. Maybe I can again give the same love, compassion, patience and easy going training to another even if it’s not my own. I am not ready for that, for today. There still resides in me, a very big hole.
Shortly after I lost Miguel, I reached out to a trainer that knew the women who had him since he was a yearling and asked if he could put me in touch with her. He emailed back that the last time he knew, she was very sick in the hospital and he assumed that by now she might be gone. How ironic if that is true. (If it’s not Ann Marie, please let me know!!)
So handsome, so proud, so fresh in a wonderful way.
I love you Miguel.
